Making Coffee
MAKING COFFEE
AN HISTORICAL AND INSTRUCTIONAL GUIDE FOR THE NEWLY EVOLVING MAN OF THE '90S
If Your Mother Doesn't Work Here, Read This!
INTRODUCTION
In a self-serve, un-maintained dispenser system, common courtesy has traditionally dictated that the users of that system observe a simple rule:
"If you take the last item, refill the container for the next person."
It is a simple rule really, bereft of complex areas requiring legal interpretations and carefully crafted responses. It requires nothing more than a dose of integrity, a but moderate grasp of the principles of social courtesy, a very short time delay, and, in this case, minimal intelligence in its performance.
However, since very few users of this coffee dispenser adhere to this widely known rule, it can only be assumed that the engineering of the equipment and the logistics of the procedure have remained beyond the comprehension of the average user. This instructional manual was designed and is provided to remedy that situation.
Any remaining excuses for not following the rule being too unflattering to one's upbringing and class to consider, it must also be assumed that with the posting of these instructions, the pots will remain henceforth filled.
STEP 1: DETERMINING THE NEED FOR REFILLING
This complex step, requiring careful analysis, begins almost immediately upon entering the coffee station. The question, "Should I make another pot?" leaps to the fore, bringing with it shudders of anxiety to the unsuspecting person pouring his* cup.
Actually, the manufacturers of the equipment have provided a clue to the answer. On one of the pots, facing front and located a little more than half of the way down, is a decal. This decal shows a line with the indication, "BREW ZONE". Please refer to the illustration below to help you find it.
Though clearly confusing, several phone calls to the manufacturer have finally revealed that this means, "Brew Zone." What it indicates is that when the coffee level indicated in the clear tube is at or below this line, it is time to "Brew" (get it?) another pot.
But how are we to interpret this riddle in the real world? Basically, after stripping away the profound (if perplexing) metaphysical implications, it means that if you notice that the coffee level in the clear tube is at or below the line, or, if you have the misfortune of using the pot without the line, at a place equal to the line on the other pot (about halfway) then you should take the initiative (oh no, the "I" word) and make another pot.
STEP 2. EMPTYING / REPLACING THE GROUNDS
This step, the first physical step in the procedure, is perhaps the simplest of all, requiring but a couple of seconds and a simple movement of the wrist. Although when observed, it appears to be a single step, it is actually comprised of several simple, linearly sequenced movements as indicated in the table below.
| # | MOVEMENT | RESULT |
|---|---|---|
| 1. | Grasp the handle of the brown plastic filter holder immediately above the pot. | Nothing yet |
| 2. | While maintaining a grip on the handle, pull the filter holder toward yourself and out of the coffee machine. | The filter holder slot will be empty. Please note its location for use in step # 9 |
| 3. | In a continuing motion, move the filter holder over to a spot above the trash can and invert the holder. | The old coffee grounds and the filter should fall free and into the trash container. If they tend to stick (which happens when they are allowed to dry in the holder) gently shake the holder or rap in on the edge to dislodge the contents. |
| 4. | Optional Step. Rinse the filter holder at the sink. | If taken, this helps remove the old coffee residue from the holder and improves the taste of the freshly brewed pot. However, if this step is too complex or takes too much time, by-pass it and go on rather than interrupting or stopping the procedure. |
| 5. | Place a new filter in the holder. These can be found in the overhead cabinets. They are easy to spot being round paper cup-like objects amazingly similar in size to the interior dimensions of the filter holder itself. Orient the filter with the open end upward and lower it into the filter holder. | This prepares the holder for the next step and goes a long way toward making the coffee less crunchy. |
| 6. | Find the coffee dispenser. These are the large brown canisters to the left of the coffee makers. The one to the far left contains regular coffee, the one to the right contains decaffeinated coffee. | Locating the dispenser makes the fresh coffee grounds available for use. |
| 7. | Grasp the handle of the filter holder (now containing a filter) and set the holder into the opening at the base of the coffee dispenser. | Though out of view, this aligns the filter holder and filter with the internal dispenser spout. |
| 8. | With your free hand, pull the knob in the middle of the dispenser toward you. Pull it all the way out and then, if it does not spring back, push it back into the dispenser. | This will release a pre measured amount of ground coffee into the filter. |
| 9. | Still grasping the filter holder, remove it from the coffee dispenser and replace it in the slot over the pot, noted in step 2. Push it in until it is seated. | THAT'S IT! You have replaced the old grounds with new ones ready to brew that fresh cup of coffee. |
PLEASE NOTE: If the canister containing the desired coffee is empty (indicated by a failure of grounds to appear in the filter when you have withdrawn the filter holder from the dispenser), do not dispair. A solution is readily at hand. If you open the overhead compartments (over the coffee maker) you will discover, as if by magic, COFFEE. The steps to reload the coffee dispensers are:
- Remove the lid to the dispenser. This is mandatory. No amount of strength will extrude the coffee into the dispenser with the lid on and it makes an unconscionable mess if you simply pour the bag on the top of the dispenser.
- Take a single container (usually a bag (or "sack")) of the desired coffee type from the overhead compartment.
- Open the bag/sack and pour its contents into the dispenser.
- Replace the lid on the dispenser.
- Dispose of the bag/sack in the trash can.
Having managed to negotiate the complex maneuvers thus far, you are but one step away from successfully brewing that next pot of coffee.
STEP 3. BREWING THE COFFEE
In bygone eras, the brewing of a fresh pot of coffee was an intimidating task whose intricacies were carefully guarded by the women of the tribe and passed secretly down in arcane rituals from mother to daughter. They knew full well that without the morning firing of the brain synapses, the males were all but helpless and that therefore they (the women) and they alone controlled the destinies of nations and industry... at least so long as they carefully guarded the alchemical secret of making coffee.
But out here in the west, cowpokes generally had mothers far smarter than they and who absolutely refused to go on those nasty trail drives. And since those miserable trips occured in the most desolate of locations and lasted for a considerable period of time, long past when the coffee residue would even faintly spark their caffeine-depleted synapses, the cowpokes were faced with a serious problem: how to get coffee.
So it was out here on the frontier that MAN finally took control of his own destiny and learned to make coffee for himself. And, being a simple sort, performed the feat in a simple fashion by simply dumping the grounds into the pot, pouring in water and lettin' 'er boil for several hours. The resulting sludge kept the brain alert (if somewhat befuddled) and the eyes open (if unfocused) for a long period of time. Plus, there was sufficient abrasive material in the brew to at least partially clean the teeth. True, its efficacy was slightly less than the usual carborundum and sand paste applied with a sprig from a prickly pear cactus, but it did help. And, as a side benefit, the resulting tooth enamel staining camouflaged any remaining portions of the last few weeks' meals.
Here at Cyprus, with the help of some turncoat females, astounding engineering has been combined with the latest in technology, and, after long and arduous hours of research and development, we have managed to incorporate some of those secret brewing methods into a system sufficiently simple for the males to perform while, at the same time, brewing a fairly decent cup of coffee that is of much lower viscosity and contains far less suspended matter than the trail coffee available before.
So, having mastered the previous steps of determining the need for a fresh pot and replacing the grounds, only one step remains.
Locate the switch on the top of the coffee maker labeled "START". It is at the far right of a row of lights and switches.
Push it.
Et Viola. You will soon hear some frightful noises eminating from the bowels of the machine and, in a few moments, will be rewarded for your bravery, patience, courtesy, and newly found skills, by the sight and smell of a driggle (thats a largish dribble) of coffee pouring out of the bottom of the filter holder and into the pot.
CONCLUSION
Now admit it, don't you feel smug? You too have mastered the art of coffee making. With one small effort you have taken a giant psychological step toward equality... well, at least insofar as coffee making is concerned.
And, you have the unrestrained satisfaction of drinking a cup of coffee you have brewed with your own hands. Just think of it: no more more wincing at the uncharitable comments of others when they discover an empty pot; no more having to trek to someone else's coffee station or even the cafeteria to find a cup of coffee; no more having to sneak in and out of the other departments' coffee rooms. Freedom and self confidence will be yours and you can face the rest of your day with your head held high and your coffee cup in plain sight.
* It may have been noticed that the instructions have been primarily directed toward the male of the species. That is because it has been observed that for the most part, the female users have been able to intuitively grasp or intellectually solve the riddle of the perplexing machine's requirements. Though this is not a flattering observation relative to the male users, it must nonetheless be made in the interests of accuracy, and to explain the apparent political INcorrectness of some of the language in this guide.
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